As a bank holiday weekend treat please enjoy new short fiction from our writers Julie and Agrippa - the perfect length for a tea break!
Can I help you? by Julie Balloo
The day began as normal, Lulu went shopping in her lunch hour as she liked to do -
gliding through the busy stores as though she was in another dimension.
All the time she spoke, droning on and on to her invisible friend; oblivious to all around her.
Occasionally she'd sidestep other shoppers or when she misjudged the distance and bumped into them, she'd tut mid word and move away, never acknowledging or apologising. When Lulu was not checking her numerous social media apps or making jaunty Tik Tok filmlets and instagramming every morsel she ate, she chatted consistently to her many friends. They would notify her over WhatsApp that they were free to talk and she'd call them or vice versa. This is Lulu's life and she wouldn't have it any other way.
"Now way, no... you tell him he cannot do that, do you hear, no way!" She wittered on, "Where shall we go? Nah heard its rubbish. What? No...no...no way. Did he?"
She edged her way through the crowd and joined the snaking queue.
Heather heard her before she saw her... the constant chatter interrupting the monotony of the on store radio music. Heather was used to the customers ignoring her: entering into and finishing entire transactions with not so much as the briefest of eye contact. But Heather wasn't in the mood today, she'd had a row with her mother and a headache was looming.
The chatty woman plonked her desired wares on the counter while simultaneously organising her weekend social life. Not once did she look at Heather, she didn’t smile or say thank you or even ask her how she was?
Heather scanned her goods whilst maintaining a scornful look and as a gesture of impishness placed the newly purchased scant lingerie inside the designer handbag, she then put the bag into a plastic shop carrier and charged an extra 5p.
She handed over her credit card taking no notice of the price and carried on conversing.
"What? No..no can do...she did what? I don’t believe it!"
She then took the brand new handbag out of the carrier, dropped the carrier to the floor and walked out of the shop, still chatting on her phone. She stopped talking only when she passed through the security gates at the door, but only after a man in a uniform grabbed her by the arm that is.
"What? I’ll call you back, what are you doing?"
When the guard asked if she’d bought anything, she rolled her eyes and sighed but her expression changed when challenged further.
You see sometimes Heather has trouble concentrating, sometimes she forgets the little things, little things like removing security tags from shop bought items or making sure customers always have their receipts, or even completing transactions properly. When Lulu insisted she’d definitely paid for the bag stuffed with lingerie, which was not the stores packing policy, the guard marched her back to the till, where Heather was questioned.
"No sorry, Mike, I don’t remember serving her, no not at all."
And with no proof of payment Lulu was held up longer than expected and her day was ruined, politeness costs nothing Heather always says and she ‘s right.
"What? No..no can do...she did what? I don’t believe it!"
She then took the brand new handbag out of the carrier, dropped the carrier to the floor and walked out of the shop, still chatting on her phone. She stopped talking only when she passed through the security gates at the door, but only after a man in a uniform grabbed her by the arm that is.
"What? I’ll call you back, what are you doing?"
When the guard asked if she’d bought anything, she rolled her eyes and sighed but her expression changed when challenged further.
You see sometimes Heather has trouble concentrating, sometimes she forgets the little things, little things like removing security tags from shop bought items or making sure customers always have their receipts, or even completing transactions properly. When Lulu insisted she’d definitely paid for the bag stuffed with lingerie, which was not the stores packing policy, the guard marched her back to the till, where Heather was questioned.
"No sorry, Mike, I don’t remember serving her, no not at all."
And with no proof of payment Lulu was held up longer than expected and her day was ruined, politeness costs nothing Heather always says and she ‘s right.
Tragedy at the High Road Call Box by Agrippa Goredema
Hello Sweetheart, your Sweetheart Craggy Face here.Of course I’m calling from a call box - where else?…Do you miss me?...How much…?
Hmm, that sort of flattery will get you anywhere, and that’s the truth, Honey…
Guess what, the Shadow’s back to tracking me…He’s got his back to me right now, Has been lurking with brazenness out there on the pavement…Hmm, as if I care!
You know, the shadowy figure in the Columbo top coat and black hat who I told you about yesterday morning!
He MUST be following I’m not being paranoid I’m telling you, Angelina!...Well, the wig on me has failed dismally as a proper disguise, even though it almost covers my long ears…
Ha ha ha, glad I’ve made you laugh at last…It’s bloody annoying, though, being followed ‘round town like a fugitive…But wait! he’s crossing to the other side and’s now stock still, watching me…
Phwar! What a dumb Columbo!...makes no attempt to mask his hostile pursuits?!
Now please stop sobbing it upsets me seeing we’re so far apart to comfort one another!…
Pipe down, Angelina! It’s not as sinister as it looks I can handle it you know I can…
…What was what sound, Angelina?...Jingling?...Oh, it’s the keys and some dimes – and something else whose sound you’ll soon hear loud and clear before everything is finally resolved…
Yes, right now I have my trusty right hand in my bottom right jacket pocket the same way HRH the Prince of Wales always has his own right hand
in his pocket as he goes about his Right Royal duties…You must have seen those pictures in the papers, Dearest Angelina!...What else am I doing?...
Ha ha ha!...Leaning against the call box with my left hand that’s also holding the receiver as I talk to you, that’s what…I think I look quite dashing today, Sweetheart…in my dark suit, white shirt, tie, and polished shoes.
You have never seen me dressed like this and sadly never will all because of imminent things to come…Hey, across the road the Shadow has just put away a notebook he was consulting and scribbling into, and has been joined by some lady clad in a vintage white mantle…They have embraced – most tenderly – what familiarity there is between them, Angelina!…You’ve gone quiet, you still there, Sweetheart?...Very good, then!...Now they’re crossing the road, gingerly weaving through the slow traffic...Can you hear their approaching footsteps, please Angelina?...Stop sobbing like that it’s making my right hand unsteady!...Yes, the two clowns have drawn their cuffs but so have I – not damn cuffs but something much more deadly from my right hand pocket- and now just LISTEN to this, Sweetheart -
(Angelina writes: “Then K’pow, K’pow, K’pow! Three shots rang out. Craggy Face blasted the Columbo pair before self-immolating. Primarily, this had been meant to be a ‘laugh’ to be filmed for uploading onto YouTube. None of us imagined that’s the way my Sweetheart wanted to go. And I’d written, filmed and directed everything. RIP, Craggy Face”).
Guess what, the Shadow’s back to tracking me…He’s got his back to me right now, Has been lurking with brazenness out there on the pavement…Hmm, as if I care!
You know, the shadowy figure in the Columbo top coat and black hat who I told you about yesterday morning!
He MUST be following I’m not being paranoid I’m telling you, Angelina!...Well, the wig on me has failed dismally as a proper disguise, even though it almost covers my long ears…
Ha ha ha, glad I’ve made you laugh at last…It’s bloody annoying, though, being followed ‘round town like a fugitive…But wait! he’s crossing to the other side and’s now stock still, watching me…
Phwar! What a dumb Columbo!...makes no attempt to mask his hostile pursuits?!
Now please stop sobbing it upsets me seeing we’re so far apart to comfort one another!…
Pipe down, Angelina! It’s not as sinister as it looks I can handle it you know I can…
…What was what sound, Angelina?...Jingling?...Oh, it’s the keys and some dimes – and something else whose sound you’ll soon hear loud and clear before everything is finally resolved…
Yes, right now I have my trusty right hand in my bottom right jacket pocket the same way HRH the Prince of Wales always has his own right hand
in his pocket as he goes about his Right Royal duties…You must have seen those pictures in the papers, Dearest Angelina!...What else am I doing?...
Ha ha ha!...Leaning against the call box with my left hand that’s also holding the receiver as I talk to you, that’s what…I think I look quite dashing today, Sweetheart…in my dark suit, white shirt, tie, and polished shoes.
You have never seen me dressed like this and sadly never will all because of imminent things to come…Hey, across the road the Shadow has just put away a notebook he was consulting and scribbling into, and has been joined by some lady clad in a vintage white mantle…They have embraced – most tenderly – what familiarity there is between them, Angelina!…You’ve gone quiet, you still there, Sweetheart?...Very good, then!...Now they’re crossing the road, gingerly weaving through the slow traffic...Can you hear their approaching footsteps, please Angelina?...Stop sobbing like that it’s making my right hand unsteady!...Yes, the two clowns have drawn their cuffs but so have I – not damn cuffs but something much more deadly from my right hand pocket- and now just LISTEN to this, Sweetheart -
(Angelina writes: “Then K’pow, K’pow, K’pow! Three shots rang out. Craggy Face blasted the Columbo pair before self-immolating. Primarily, this had been meant to be a ‘laugh’ to be filmed for uploading onto YouTube. None of us imagined that’s the way my Sweetheart wanted to go. And I’d written, filmed and directed everything. RIP, Craggy Face”).
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